Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
there is puke in my bra ... again
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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