Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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