I'm so fucking centered right now
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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