my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
