she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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