What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
