I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
