Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
