Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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