It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
