you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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