And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
