george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
