im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
