seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
