my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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