I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I have fence marks all over my body
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize