i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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