I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
