I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
