Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I smell stomach acid.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Randomize
