I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
