Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I am one with the molecules
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
