your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
