I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
