I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
