I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
