There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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