so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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