Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We left the knife in your bed.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize