I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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