walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
