Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
