I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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