you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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