I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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