How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
