You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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