I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
