I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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