Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
