Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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