I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
