how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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