If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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