Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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