My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
