I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
