If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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