we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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