fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Still dying that you shit outside
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
