He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
