insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
