i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
