i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
