i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
