i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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