guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
