I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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