You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The power of my boobs compel you
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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