Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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