im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
