It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
