omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
