I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
