He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize