about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
