mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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